Say It, Mean It, Keep It: A Practical Guide to Setting Effective Boundaries

By Diana Charlop, PsyD

Parents often wonder how to use reinforcements and consequences to either promote behaviors that they want to see more of or to diminish less desirable behaviors: praising the child who cleans their room, giving a time-out to a child who hits a sibling, or allowing a child to earn points toward a bigger reward. This relies on a clear dichotomy between desirable and undesirable behaviors.

But not all expectations fall into those categories. Many boundaries parents want to set—when dinner happens, what time the TV turns off, or when it’s time for a bath—are a part of daily living and are designed to create predictable routines that help children succeed. The goal is establishing a sustainable practice that the child can anticipate and follow each day, through explanation, expectation and commitment from parents and children. Although kids may resist boundaries at the moment, they depend on adults to set them. Boundaries help children feel safe, provide structure, and support long-term emotional regulation and independence.

Helpful strategies for setting and maintaining boundaries

1. State the boundary clearly.
Kids often don’t fully understand the parameters around a boundary. To eliminate guesswork, be as specific as possible. Instead of saying, “Turn off the TV before your shower,” set a clear expectation: “The TV turns off at 7:15.” Giving timed reminders—“five minutes left,” “two minutes left”—helps prepare them for the transition.

2. Say what to do, not what not to do.
Negative instructions (“Don’t leave your plate on the table”) tell children what to avoid but give no guidance about the desired behavior. Instead, frame the expectation positively: “When you’re finished eating, your plate goes in the dishwasher.” This reduces confusion and increases compliance.

3. Hold the boundary, even if your child protests.
A boundary only works if it’s consistently upheld. Following through communicates that expectations are predictable and real. When a child doesn’t meet the boundary, calmly implement the consequence or follow the next step you’ve already established. Consistency builds trust and helps children internalize routines over time.

4. Know your limits—and honor them.
If a child pushes for something outside of what feels comfortable or appropriate, it’s okay to hold firm. You get to decide what works for your family and what doesn’t. When you set boundaries based on your own limits, you model confidence, self-respect, and emotional regulation.